The Moment I Didn't Let Define Me

The worst moment of my entire life happened on October 31st, 2009.  And no, it didn’t have anything to do with Halloween, but it was terrifying. 

I was 14 turning 15, scrawny, cute, and awkwardly growing into my personality. I had been having panic attacks for years beforehand but had just discovered that these intense feelings I often got were just that-- panic attacks. I was getting them most days in my first period English class and it was in that same class that it all came to blows. 

To this day the thought of Ayn Rand and her face makes my stomach turn. The lights were turned out as Mr. B pulled down the projector screen to show a film clip interview of Ayn Rand. We had just finished reading her novel Anthem. It was Halloween and there was the palpable excitement of the weekend that would commence in about 6 hours. Halloween was on a Friday that year, and we were all excited about our first high school Halloween parties. I was mostly just anxious. I was watching the interview with a tapping foot when the crackle of the PA began. 

I went to a big public school in a suburb directly outside Chicago. Because my high school was so big we had occasional drug searches. Police dogs would come in, and trace their way up and down the lockers. Our lockers were skinny, and red, and lined the hallways throughout one wing of the school, and I just so happened to be sitting in that wing. In my days in high school, they never found anything. That day they didn’t find anything either, but my class found out something about me—I’m agoraphobic. 

During dog searches, the school goes on lockdown, no one can leave their classroom’s as it would interfere with the search. The announcement came over the PA system for the teachers to lock their doors, and continue on with class. This is when it all began. The looming thought that I couldn’t leave this classroom bounced around my mind. I was worried that I was going to panic, and if I panicked I couldn't leave like I normally would. I was so worried I would panic that I panicked, and I mean I panicked hard. 

For context, I’m 22 now and have dealt with panic disorder and agoraphobia for well over eight years and I never have nor will I ever have a panic attack that debilitating. I do not wish what went on in my body on anyone, it was equivalent to torture. 

My entire body went numb but I stayed rigid. I couldn’t feel the fact that I was still alive no matter how many times I tugged on my ear or twirled my hair (a common tactic of mine to soothe). I pulled on my right shoulder with all my might to steady myself (another tactic I reserved for the worst panic attacks) but nothing happened. My heart was racing, and it was racing at a speed that I would consider so frantic it was probably worrisome to those unfamiliar with this extreme level of panic. My chest began to hurt in a way that I can’t describe in any other way than someone sitting on it. My legs began to shake in a near spasm, and the world began to slip away from my fingers as my eyes went in and out of tunnel vision. 

Every nerve ending in my body was turning on and off The panic attack reached its crescendo as I involuntarily lurched forward in my desk and held on the edge of it like it was the bar of a rollercoaster as I tried to catch my breath. My throat began to tighten so much I couldn’t swallow and my ears began to ring. I couldn’t catch my breath no matter what, the wind was truly knocked out of me. I had no choice but to ask for help. I stood up and walked to Mr. B, I told him that I needed to leave I was having a panic attack. He called the nurse, but the nurse told him I had to stay put. 

I tried to stay put. I tried to let the panic ebb and flow, but it was like nothing I’ve ever felt, nor could I describe. I would nearly pass out and then catch myself since my blood pressure was going up and down so fast. At this point, most of my class had noticed that I was not okay. My friends even turned to me and said I didn’t look okay. I got back up to tell Mr. B that I needed to leave or I was going to pass out. 

I’ve never really cared what anyone thought of me, and in this moment the embarrassment had no place in my mind-- I just needed to escape. I finally did too. I found solace in the nurse's office, after having to be escorted by a cop and the nurse. For two hours I had to sit and sip water to finally feel human again. Even then I walked through the rest of the day like a zombie, all the energy in my tiny body had been expelled in an extreme panic attack. 

This moment was the worst moment because of the physical terror that seized me. It was also accompanied with everyone beginning to talk and notice my odd behavior. I mean I was escorted by a cop from my classroom during a drug search so everyone was a little suspicious. But this was when my anxiety began to take a hold of my life for a little while. It marked the time when I began to seek intensive treatment for a plague of nerves. But, it didn’t mark the time when I became defined by my anxiety because I didn’t let it. 

It would have been really easy to let myself cower away from my peers after being continually embarrassed by my anxiety. It would have been even easier after I missed 6 weeks of school in treatment to quietly fade into the background, and let the rumors flow. I didn’t though, I was lucky enough to have the personality that allowed me to let myself be defined by myself instead of my problems. I talked about them freely and openly, as it made them smaller to myself, and a more common affliction to be discussed amongst peers. 

I know that not everyone is as open and unabashed as I am though. I was fortunate too to have friends that understood for the most part, and the guts to be honest about my struggles. I will say this though, things happen that define us, but it’s important to make sure those things that begin to define us are what we want to define us. It is ultimately in our power to change how we choose to define ourselves, other people will have their own perceptions, but they will be influenced by how you view yourself. You choose who you are no one else.