Finding Granola in Your Bra

There’s a drop in my stomach that feels like a drop in the bucket of times I’ve messed up. I never seem to mess up in a big way that makes a huge difference in the life of those around me, and I’m systematically incapable of messing up in a way that ends up letting people down, but there are still times when I cannot be who I want to be because of something that is innately part of me. 

It is the drop in my stomach that reminds me my anxiety has outweighed my passion, only for a moment, but nevertheless a moment indeed. It is the type of stomach drop that reminds me that I am screwing up for myself, and that is the worst of type of screwing up.

When you screw up for yourself you are the one who feels the regret and the downfall. Consequences are good, they are what allows society to hold onto itself and our place in the world. But, what is one to do when those consequences make you feel like you’re less than, and you're facing something that is out of your control? 

The world is changing and becoming a more understanding place, but even when the world understands it can be difficult to be in need of an understanding world. 

So far this has been incredibly cryptic. It has to remain fairly cryptic too. I will say this though, when you’re brain is both your asset and your enemy professional success can be one step forward two steps back. When your brain lets you down and your personal desires are as grand as your aspirations, it will feel like daydreaming about being a big shot editor in New York City, and then finding a prickly piece of granola in your bra. A stunning reminder of the mediocrity, and discomfort, that you may endure. 

There should be an ending to this piece- there's not. I still do not know what I am supposed to do when I feel like I’ve let my anxiety create even the smallest downfall in the life I want to have. Because, as many pep talks you receive from well-meaning, albeit unwanted advice givers, there will still be moments when those pep talks are just a drop in a bucket full of strong psychological resistance.